Monday, April 23, 2012

I returned from work this evening after a long conversation with a co-worker. Hoping to ease some burdens by dialoguing with her, my heart sunk lower as I turned for home. I walked tiredly down the walks and slid hard on the mud. I entered my house to hear smoke alarms and the incessant pounding of my upstairs neighbor's feet. My phone sounded: "are you ready to go to the party?!" No. I would love perfect silence for the next three weeks. Seriously. I'm sometimes scared at how much I don't feel like interacting with anyone. I love my friends and family dearly, but sometimes it's just all too much. It's seemed recently that the juxtaposition between a truly righteous viewpoint and the carnal is simply astounding. I've struggled all my life trying to decide where and how I fit, and now, more than ever I find this activity to be ridiculous. I've observed that even on the narrow, life-granting pathway, the "few" still follow that which is most liked by the masses therein, praise is hoarded by the receiver, and the truth is applied in "cute" "cliche" ways that elicit little change, and little to no offense. In my other circles (mainly at work), I'm straight blunted by the interactions of my days. I'm exhausted by the pride of man. I come back to
dear Ecclesiastes 4:4: "I have seen that every labor and every skill which is done is the result of rivalry between a man and his neighbor. This too is vanity and striving after wind." I see the lies that flow from envious lips, the glares, and the stares, the deception as we sinful creatures work so feverishly to convince ourselves that we're upright and good, and somehow, always better than the rest. I'm tired of this. I have no desire to spend more time thinking of what I lack, and what others seem to possess, and surely, I'm rather done with others holding out these expectations for me. I am a mediocre gal with limited capacities, and all that I have was given -- however great or small it may seem. My life is not my own. I have been bought with a price. I am to glorify God in my body; with my entire life. Friends, I have been warned several times by His Spirit in my soul to avoid comparison. Pride alone is interested in the happenings of others; it puffs up or casts down and is never satisfied with either; this spirit of the world and the flesh is boastful, envious -- thankless...
But His Spirit, when allowed to flourish, cradles those cares, and casts them up and away. It cuts through that dull fat of self-regard, and releases the Creature into its greatest created capacity: worship. I am a lowly one among the groundlings, and I see much more of my limits than my strengths, but my heart, be it not cauterized by the searing word of His truth bulks up with all types of defense and desire, along with the greatest of men. Pride is insensible, and damns a good many to hell. It ought not be this way. The pathway up is down, and greatness in meekness. Please friends, join with me this day in plodding the narrow way -- be it alone, be it treacherous -- but only by it, will our lives be gained, and won by this faith.

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