My morning reading in Spurgeon has colored my soul in fall. He spoke of the fruits of seasons in our hearts; of the old and new, and what harvest the Lord is desiring to make in us. It's not felt like fall, but I am applying this notion to my heart, as I so desire to remove the old leaven--which is so paralyzing to progress.
I am here in this new place, and the unshakable and pervasive thoughts have been of my intensity and my seeming inability to function at the normal levels of human experience. This has always been my problem. I feel things so deeply, and I estrange myself from people because I just can't seem to temper this blasted inferno that rages within.
The words "beach comber" came to mind this morning. I had no real idea what this was, but I felt like one. Passing through any number of scenarios seems to present both an unwritten script, and a seething mass of unrealized potential and unspoken sorrows. I'd quite like to simply perceive these things, but instead they enter and imbue the very nature of my soul. A sifting takes place and that filter of experince and scripture begins combing through the scenario and the weights perceived stack up in my heart. I have felt like an onlooker most of life, and one that must run around on the outskirts of society for I know not how to simply be as others are. I seek not to complain of this, and as one posted earlier of the Clay answering to the Potter, I instead desire to seek out how I might adorn the gospel with this cracked pot.
We are common clay, and the ways of man are not unique. The isolation present in my mind and because of my fears is akin to any one of my readers sentiments, and as I bear the commonness that feels so peculiar to me, I hope to enliven your hearts as well. I know not how this be done, but as I feel always on the verge of some revolution, I again stir. A revolt from that which is common and customary, and out into fearful and unreserved trust. . . Hmmm...
So, here is the journal photo of hope, Deb and Dorothy. I tried to unite the prisms and yellow idea, and it is was before the suggestion of green came along. Also, the photo above is from last year this day. I chuckled when I read of it, for my wrestlings were just as todays. Abrupt and random as this is, enjoy. Thank you mom and dad for being so wonderful to me.
I love that visual representation of hope, Nellie! It seems to me that fashioning an image of an intangible thing like hope makes it so much more real. And our Hope is truly so very real!
ReplyDeleteNellie, We went to a brunch in Choteau on Sunday and then drove like mad to get to the church in Augusta to worship with Maria. We had lunch at M-Dub and I took photos on the way home. I posted 4 of them on my blog today. Please let me know if they cause you to feel homesick.
ReplyDeleteI appreciated your deep and very heartfelt post. Once a friend commented that often our worst qualities come when our best qualities are taken to extreme. Many times I have had to ask the Lord to bring an area in my life into balance. The balance is such a healing experience. Bless you, dear.